USE THE BATHROOM, WHY DON’T YA…

posted in: blog entry | 27

It’s 5:30 P.M., dinnertime on this balmy Monday evening. My husband and I are high on salads these days as I have discovered a cornucopia of succulent green stuff at the local farmers market. All I have to do is empty part of my weekly harvest into the salad spinner and spin.

But I like to add a little extra pizzazz so I trot outside to our balcony and “my edible garden” which consists of a lone basil plant I snagged at Trader Joe’s. I grab the half-rusted shears and cut off a sprig for our salad. We live in a third floor condo in a large gated community and when I’m doing my “balcony thing” I like to peer over the wood railing and check out what’s happening down there in the concrete canyon below.

And that’s when I see her. “The Jogger Lady.” She’s jogging. And then she’s not. She stops dead in her tracks, pulls down her sweat pants, flashes her butt, full moon and all, squats and…takes a dump. Right there in “the common area” which in this case is THE ROAD.

Maybe I should have yelled “hey you…yes you…don’t shit in the road.” But I’m feeling like I just stuck my finger into an electrical outlet. It’s that kind of stunned. Maybe I should have grabbed my phone and taken a picture. You think? But I didn’t want to miss anything, especially the end of THIS story.

And it does end. And not well. She squeezes out three giant dookies. I know this because I have a bird’s eye view of her ass. Also I can count. AND I’m wearing my glasses. Then she pulls up her pants, brushes herself off and looks around. I duck behind the basil with my jaw hanging at my feet. Around here it is a mortal sin if you don’t pick up your dog’s poop. Plastic bags and leashes go hand-in-hand. Garbage cans appear in every direction on the compass. Do you think The Jogger-Lady pulled a baggie from her pocket? Do you think she scooped up her own poop? If you say YES then you live in Fairyland. Where no one poops.

Having relieved herself and probably feeling refreshed and…um…lighter…she continues her jog, disappears around the corner and leaves a steaming pile of doodoo behind. Whoever passes will think it’s the parting gift from a Great Dane or a Shetland Pony. Certainly not a lady jogger who undoubtedly knows how to flush a toilet. Thank God a big storm is coming to Los Angeles. In 24 hours. Which isn’t soon enough for me.

I understand that there are communities around here that have gotten so huffy and puffy about dog poop that as soon as DNA testing came into vogue…well you see where I’m going. An anonymous brown bomb is left on the sidewalk and the amateur scientist-board member with her do-it-yourself tester kit nails the offender. Of course it’s not the dog’s fault. Dogs will be dogs. But one would hope that owners know better.

Actually one would hope that PEOPLE know better. Sure there are cultures in the world where this story would elicit a “and…your point is?” But not here. Not in Culver City. This is where they filmed the movie Singing in the Rain. Which is what I will be doing tomorrow.

Speaking of tomorrow.  AND beyond.  I see this lady around. A lot. She jogs to the grocery store. She jogs to the post office. She jogs in circles. I admire her stamina. She’s probably burned through half a dozen Fitbits. But I wish she would use the bathroom. And I will forever link her face with a full moon. Spitting bon-bons.

By the way, dinner was delicious.

 

27 Responses

  1. Laurel Stanford
    | Reply

    I would keep a bunch of doggie doo bags with you, and the next time you see her around, hand her a few and say “If you insist on defacating in my street, the least you can do is pick it up afterwards – and by the way, I posted a great pic of you squatting and dumping on my social media”.

    That should take care of it.

    Name and shame!!

    • Cali Rose
      | Reply

      I have reported her but maybe the next time I see her I will say something. It’s funny that I feel like the “bad messenger” here when she’s the one who dropped her drawers and took a dump in front of my balcony.

  2. Lin
    | Reply

    I think I’d mention it to her the next time she jogs by.. “seriously, at least clean up if you crap on the street!!” OMG, Cali.. what a crappy experience.. glad it didn’t ruin your dinner!

    • Cali Rose
      | Reply

      Maybe I’m a little tweaked, but I find this stuff hilarious. I mean, if we eat, we have to expect that what goes in will have to come out. Hopefully in a socially acceptable way, but obviously that doesn’t always happen. So we soldier on.

  3. t
    | Reply

    wow, and since we are off the daylight saving time it is plenty light out at 5:30pm.
    i am hoping that she at least ducked into an area that held a bit of privacy,
    showing at least a modicum of embarrassment on her part. perhaps she was sick and
    had not one other choice, and perhaps she came back to clean up her
    mess when she was less emergency laced. if NOT, then this person is obviously demented. i am certain that the next time i saw her jogging around town i would
    get close to her and tell her that i saw what i saw and hoped that she cleaned up after her self. cali, in these days of shoot em up bang bang whenever the stress level gets too high, i guess that taking a flash dump is the least of our worries, but it all seems to add up to a shockingly disregardful lack of decency. but when we have the president of the united states making a mockery of everything respectable and then lying about it or the leaders of Russia or north Korea passing poison to anyone who pisses them off i guess nothing should surprise us. i pray for something, but i am not sure what. give peace a chance? love is all? adult diapers? the future does not look particularly bright these days. no wonder antidepressants and anti~anxiety drugs are being sold in all time record numbers. hells bells. where is my prescription?

    • Cali Rose
      | Reply

      She has issues and has done this before, although her Turd Party reached a new low. It’s very sad. We human beings have animal bodies and complicated brains and emotional blind spots. I use humor to keep from going totally nuts.

      I have filed an incident report so the disciplinary board will take over from here. Civility and adult diapers are what we need now. A big hug to you!

  4. Ellen Hageman
    | Reply

    That is NASTY – she should have squatted in the ivy or behind a tree in a far far corner. I hope you made a report – I would have!

    • Cali Rose
      | Reply

      It’s still there. Two days later, even after the rain. Not in the grass. Not in the ivy. On the road. I’m checking it out from my balcony. As if I don’t have anything better to do. 🙂

  5. Ellen Hageman
    | Reply

    Me again – I reread your blog Cali and got hysterical with laughter. Report her.

    • Cali Rose
      | Reply

      I reported her today. Her behavior is not new but they are taking care of it.

  6. RussBuss
    | Reply

    Hilarious (and gross) blog post! Hope you and Craig are doing well.

    • Cali Rose
      | Reply

      Thank you! We are hanging in there and trying to keep laughing. Best to you.

  7. Cheryl Blatt
    | Reply

    Cali, this amazing story is hysterical. I’m sure not so funny for you, but you got a giggle out of me.

    • Cali Rose
      | Reply

      Actually it was funny for me and still is. This sort of stuff doesn’t gross me out and I think one of the reasons I didn’t say anything to her was because I felt badly for the lady. Something has to be a little off for someone to take a dump in full view of 12 condos and two townhouses. But that said, I filed an incident report and the association here is acting on it because she’ll do it again and staying quiet is a form of enabling. It’s sad…

  8. Elaine Hente
    | Reply

    OH MY GOSH! I have no words! I thought it was bad enough that I saw a man on the sidewalk in broad daylight turn his back to the street and pee into some bushes in a residential neighborhood. He wasn’t even close to the bushes. But at least I didn’t see “the moon!”

    • Cali Rose
      | Reply

      Oh “the moon” is a mental snapshot that I will never be able to “un-see.” I have new respect for “bushes.” They are more than just pretty plants. 🙂

  9. Dennis Hiebert
    | Reply

    I knew something would soon inspire another experience for you to share on your blog…but this story really smells. So happy to hear from you again.

    • Cali Rose
      | Reply

      So nice to hear from you Dennis. Yep, I’ve been busy putting this ukulele book together and not writing as many blogs, but man oh man, this one was a no-brainer. All I wanted was a handful of basil and ended up with a pile of you-know-what. Welcome back home Dennis.

  10. Justin Ezzi
    | Reply

    OMG, I would have reported her ‘sorry ass’ to the HOA!!!

    • Cali Rose
      | Reply

      I just reported her today. It’s sad because she probably has “some issues” but civility is civility.

  11. Marilyn Hess
    | Reply

    Cali, i’m Sleeping over Bea & Morty’s. I just read your blog. Hard to believe people behaving badly, until you witness it! Maybe call Eyewitness News! Thanks for reporting. Hope you enjoyed the salad!

    • Cali Rose
      | Reply

      Well Eyewitness News maybe a little over the top. But I have reported her to our association and they are taking it from here. Thanks Marilyn.

  12. Cali Rose
    | Reply

    From Liz:

    I would gift wrap a roll of poop gags and present it it her with a note :

    I can’ get you out of my mind
    from the view I’ve had of your behind
    If asked, I will see that you’re named
    to avoid some poor dog being blamed

    so next time please pick up your poop
    or our neighbors I’ll tell of the scoop
    Before you leave home make a stop
    cause next time I’m calling a cop!

  13. Cali Rose
    | Reply

    From Anonymous:

    Wow, I thought I lived in a rough neighborhood.

    I’m not sure if you knew, but I was the Chair of the California Inland Empire High Adventure Training Team for years. My job was to teach outdoor skills to the Scouters (adults in Scouts).

    One of my tasks was making sure all students know how to relieve themselves in the outdoors. As an avid backpacker, my friends often ask me: “Are there bathrooms out there?”

    I respond: “Yes, thousands of them!”

    Depending on location and time of year, the techniques vary. Up to and including…packing your poop out with you! If you ever have an hour or so to spend, I’ll bring you up to speed.

    Or maybe we’ll just play some ukulele tunes instead.

    Had I witnessed that, I would have called her on it!

    “HEY! uh…REALLY?”

    I am a fairly quiet guy, but have no tolerance for that kind of boorish behavior and I’ll say something. I’m lucky I haven’t had my nose broken more often.

  14. Cali Rose
    | Reply

    From Anonymous:

    I am going to bypass all of my initial responses:
    What a shitty thing to do!
    What a half-assed thing to do!
    Stop crapping on your neighbors!
    Don’t frame dogs!
    Don’t make dogs your stool pigeons!
    If you care about your health, give a shit, and run!
    Poop, There it is! Poop, There it is! (Sung to Whoop! There it is!)
    Running keeps you regular!
    Who needs Squat Thrusts when the new exercise is Squatty Potty?
    Buy her the book Everybody Poops, and use a sharpie to write in “In a Toilet.”
    And now for Doug Winner’s Top Ten List of Exercises, Coming in at #2 is, well, you guessed it.

    And go with these two pieces of advice/questions:
    Why didn’t you throw the basil plant at her? At least she would have some leaves to wipe with…or
    Why didn’t you give her a signed copy of “Doggie-doo Blues” by Cali Rose, Musician Extroidoinnaire.

    With love (and hope my advice helps keep you smiling with the sunny side up!),

  15. Cali Rose
    | Reply

    From Anonymous:

    Wow! Now that’s a visual! Hahahaha! This has got to be the single most funny blog you’ve ever written! I can’t stop laughing and shaking my head. Some people! Hehe…I loved your euphemisms for, um…dropping a deuce.

  16. […] think I got more responses from my last blog USE THE BATHROOM, WHY DON’T YA than any others. Some of you thought it was hilarious. (Thank goodness!) Others were grossed out. […]

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